I look cute in a hat even though i'm sayin' "FOCK YOU"

A little bit of humor maybe?

I need to hear some good joke's I think.

Love and Hate

Love and hate

you can't have one without the other

I hate myself

But love what I do to you

Why do I do this?

To you

To myself

Beauty and Ugliness

You're my beauty

And I'm the ugliness

Repulsed by myself

Drawn to you

Near or Far

Whether youre here or there

Youre always on my mind

Even if i'm not on yours

Forever loyal

To you

and my

Love and Hate

Beautifully profound

Beautifully profound

thats what I yearn to become

when you look into my soul

may it reveal deep and everlasting folds

Diving deep within me..Interested in every tiny detail

To be wanting and wanted

Utterly alone

Empty heart...

Full mind
Of the beautifully profound
~Erica

My insomnia has returned

For the past 3 days I've been up till the sun has decided to rise. This morning I didn't go to bed until 8:30 A.M. and I woke up a meager 5 hours later. I just can't sleep. My brain just won't allow for it. When I do sleep it usually is riddled with dreams and boughts of tossing and turning. I've heard of people being able to actually shut their brains down and totally relax. Mine does not work that way. It seems as if it just won't stop. Always running...Always trying to figure out why I feel the way I do, why other's feel the way they do, trying to understand how this world is working and where I and we are going in the future. I just can't see anything but struggle, pain, and fighting in the future. Maybe that's my problem the negativity that I surround myself in. I think; The future looks bleak anyway...Why fight it. Settle into your insignificant life and accept your lot. Until a few years ago I always thought, why live if you have no faith or hope? Now I am at a place with little faith...And little hope. Should I just accept it realistically or...Uproot myself making myself hurt in order to be sure I am actually alive. I am of flesh and blood. Why do I keep settling then attach myself to the point where its criminal to change my mind? Maybe I enjoy suffering. I hope I figure myself out soon, because I'm getting too old and too tired to keep restarting my life.~~Another day another battle.~~With myself.

Once a week

So it seems lately once a week I feel horrible..emotionally and physically.
I feel like a bad person. Not deserving of even the tiniest bit of happiness. I feel like my soul is punctured in so many places theres not enough thread in the universe to patch it up.
This place...this life is eating me alive.
And then last night...I dissapointed my Irish dream at least..thats what Im concluding.
Maybe I dont deserve my Irish dream.
....Its too sad to even think..that I could have ruined...a potentially beautiful Irish dream.

I think I broke my Irish dream

I think I broke my Irish dream
what paste do I use to patch it up?
Did I do it on purpose or was it a horrible accident.
All I can do is hope to put it back together..as carefully as I can.
And maybe itll look brand new..But I know the cracks will still be there.


Forgive me my Irish dream.

Exahausted

Too tired tonight.

Black dawn of humanity

Today I was chatting with a new found friend. And realized how bleak the future is looking. Unless we start answering the really hard questions, political, spiritual, and naturalistic.

We need to ask of your politicians why the rich keep getting richer and the poor poorer?
Why our health is declining?
How our schools keep failing the grade?
Why is it that pediphiles are roaming the streets ?


If you even have to ask any of these questions then there something seriously wrong with ones government.

Ha theres one for you Irish Dream

If only I would have been a nice bee keeper id still be Dreaming Irish.

In a Past Life...

You Were: An Arrogant Beekeeper. Where You Lived: Ireland. How You Died: Buried alive.

I fuckin hate myself

COULD THAT BE MY PROBLEM?
Im really one fucked up chick..I mean I sat there in the dark all fucked up tonight..my emotions just flowing through my veins..I couldnt even cry...Just layed there watching the shapes in the dark ..letting my eyes focus..and refocus again....


WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??
Am I really this fucked up
am i even
a human....

Ophelia

QUEEN GERTRUDE: There is a willow grows aslant a brook,
That shows his hoar leaves in the glassy stream;
There with fantastic garlands did she come
Of crow-flowers, nettles, daisies, and long purples
That liberal shepherds give a grosser name,
But our cold maids do dead men's fingers call them:
There, on the pendent boughs her coronet weeds
Clambering to hang, an envious sliver broke;
When down her weedy trophies and herself
Fell in the weeping brook. Her clothes spread wide;
And, mermaid-like, awhile they bore her up:
Which time she chanted snatches of old tunes;
As one incapable of her own distress,
Or like a creature native and indued
Unto that element: but long it could not be
Till that her garments, heavy with their drink,
Pull'd the poor wretch from her melodious lay
To muddy death.
-Hamlet

Oh whatta Night

Its called descent...I thought it was beautiful...I am really trying to dig deep within my soul...trying figure out my path in this world...feeling like i am lost...percieving myself as just a tiny part of this infinite universe...Where do I fit in..

Tonight I ended up looking up a bunch of shit...the history of peircing, arabic tatoos, fallen angels.

Some really cool stuff.

I was thinking tonight...im a political freak..NOBODY thinks the way I do...and there doesnt seem to be any hope..how depressing...fuck I dont even wanna think about that shit...but..anyways I also was looking at those vnv nation lyrics..wow..a buddy of mine commented on how deep the lyrics are..and I would have to agree...even if you dont like industrial music the words are complex enough to enjoy.

Also I met this fellow on yahoo he plays a variety of instruments and is wicked talented hes sent me a couple of links for his music...But im going to ask his permission first...I guess thats all for tonight..I will be posting some pictures I found tonight tommorow night most likely as well as some I took with the web cam!

Foreword
This is your world.These are your people.You can live for yourself today,or help build tomorrow for everyone.

VNV Nation

Sober entry

I figured once..I could write a sober entry. See how it all pans out. Lately I've really be trying to look within myself...Figure out who I am and what I really want..Been trying to immerse myself in writting but again I suppose I cant do much if I'm not sober...And I think whatever brain cells I might have had have been pissed up a rope...Ah I cant write right now..Too much crap to do..But today will be a duel entry....

Simplicity

What the fuck is this thing about?

So I'm looking over this blog..And IM thinking what the hell is this really about?

am I lonely?

am I bored?

am I fucked up?

I feel a bit better when I create one o these blog things...Maybe its the creativity of it ( although limited)?

I don't know most of the time I'm doing this IM pretty ripped so I cant ever expect it to make sense I suppose...

Well I've run out of thoughts for tonight what a horrible entry...I've got a topic for tomorrow night I will try and take my time and make some kind of sense.

Scattered thoughts...Make sense of them later!

SCATTERED THOUGHTS
Last night I was so tired all I could do was post that picture of myself...Again doesn't this seem a bit self absorbed. I've been thinking about this blog as well lately and feel guilty about it...I feel like I'm hiding things from people by even having this Blog aka diary. Even my boyfriends commenting on my silence..But I cant help it..The stresses here are unbelievable..At 26 I should be worrying about things other then the end of the world and the plight of human beings everywhere......Money...And the horrible crime out there...Everyday a phrase comes to mind....Ignorance is bliss...Then all I would have to worry about is living...Taking care of myself..A good man...And a family when I was comfortable
But then here comes the guilt...My attachment..But the guilt is worse then anything it eats away at me constantly.....
MAKE SENSE OF IT LATER

Shooting star

Tonight I saw a shooting star...the second unique thing ive seen in the past few days...the other night the northern lights were dancing across the sky in blues and greens it was one of the most beautiful sites ive seen in a long time..maybe its somebody or something trying to tell me something?
Tirrrred time to dream about Ireland.

The beginning of the Beautifully profound

So it's the beginning...I quite don't know where to start seeing as I just figured out what these blog things are.

I am guessing I'm supposed to write about me but that's a bit self absorbed.

Maybe that's what I need a little bit of self absorption?

Well this is a poor attempt at a blog but its all I can come up with now..If anyone has any suggestions..Feel free.