For the past 3 days I've been up till the sun has decided to rise. This morning I didn't go to bed until 8:30 A.M. and I woke up a meager 5 hours later. I just can't sleep. My brain just won't allow for it. When I do sleep it usually is riddled with dreams and boughts of tossing and turning. I've heard of people being able to actually shut their brains down and totally relax. Mine does not work that way. It seems as if it just won't stop. Always running...Always trying to figure out why I feel the way I do, why other's feel the way they do, trying to understand how this world is working and where I and we are going in the future. I just can't see anything but struggle, pain, and fighting in the future. Maybe that's my problem the negativity that I surround myself in. I think; The future looks bleak anyway...Why fight it. Settle into your insignificant life and accept your lot. Until a few years ago I always thought, why live if you have no faith or hope? Now I am at a place with little faith...And little hope. Should I just accept it realistically or...Uproot myself making myself hurt in order to be sure I am actually alive. I am of flesh and blood. Why do I keep settling then attach myself to the point where its criminal to change my mind? Maybe I enjoy suffering. I hope I figure myself out soon, because I'm getting too old and too tired to keep restarting my life.~~Another day another battle.~~With myself.
3 comments:
your insomnia may be a sign of clinical depression ... (i'm not quoting a medication commercial ... i'm a social worker) ... consider seeing a doctor ... take care of yourself
you are partially right ... social workers do connect people with social services ... and there are also clinical social workers ... social workers provide a large portion of the mental health services in America [but i do realize erica is in canada] ... just a little public service announcement :)
I can help you to relax...
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