Baby day....creepy.

Today I woke up, talked to Mik for a while, looked out my window and my roommates husband was still him. With her being 9 months pregnant I figured something has to be up, so I took myself downstairs with Mik on the line and saw her kid sitting on the couch watching cartoons. "Aren't you going to school?" I asked. "I dunno, where's my mom?" she responded. I told her I thought she was upstairs and off she went to find out what the deal is. Kids are so great for that. Their investigative nature overpowering their hypnosis with the TV. She comes running back downstairs and says, "my mom thought her water broke but it didn't". I kept thinking how can you mistake your water breaking, it either does or it doesn't. So I went about my morning business, eating breakfast and getting ready for work.

I came down stairs to pack up the rest of my lunch and was surprised to see her standing outside walking around with the dog. I opened the sliding glass door and said I had thought she would be laying down! She began to tell me her water really did break and she was walking around to try and get things moving along. Well that was great news, this baby has been highly anticipated. I am so excited. I love babies! I seriously can't wait to have children of my own.

After she came in from being outside she told me she got a call from her doctor saying she needed to come to the hospital to be checked and they were going to induce labor seeing as her due date is tomorrow anyway. I told her I wanted to pray for her and baby, so I layed a hand on her belly and asked God to keep her and the baby safe and healthy that the birthing process would be as pain free as possible and that everything went quickly. I swear I was so excited I could burst.

As I was walking to work this morning, I usually have a half hour or so I can just think about everything going on. Maybe a bit like meditation I suppose. Sometimes I pray, sometimes I just lose myself in thoughts. I thought, last year at this time on this very day I was in the hospital, in the delivery room with my exes daughter, stroking her head, giving her soothing encouragement as she had a C-section. We cried together when her son finally was born..it was an amazing time. I was also so sad because I knew my time with them was going to be short, as I was making my mind up to start my life over and to break free of the chains my ex had wrapped firmly around me. I hated myself. Sometimes I still do for abandoning them. But I had to do what I needed to do for myself. It was either that or live a life of complete misery, of abuse, of sheer hell.

Then I kept thinking, how different my life is now, I am working, I am clean, I have true love, I have a life. It's been such a long hard journey for me. I pray I can keep strong and continue on the path that I've been on this past year.

A place has been booked. I have no idea what it looks like. Pictures will be coming within the next "couple of days". I am sure Mik has picked a suitable venue for our wedding and I trust him fully. So I am excited to see what this place looks like.

To be continued....

Coffee ban starts tommorow.

K folks, I am officially sick of coffee. Today was my last day of coffee drinkin'. At least for a very long time. I mean you have to know when you get a steaming hot cup of Gloria Jeans coffee and you don't finish it, it's time to stop. I even tried something different today and it just made me sick in the end. So if I go into G.J.'s coffee shop it will be for caffeine free tea. Besides, when I drop 2.00$ per cup, it's definitely getting out of hand. So I look at it like I am saving a bunch of money! Twelve dollars a week/48 dollars per month! I can buy that digi cam I want for that amount. So anyways, I am off the coffee.

Jaquey la poop

There's nothing cuter than wet cats/kittens.

Trouble in Marriage Planning-ville

The photos I had posted previously of our wedding spot have been nulled and voided. The people who own the place had decided to sell it. "Why?", You ask, because they are doing so well they can't keep the place up. I know, it doesn't make one lick of sense to me either that they have to dash a newly engaged couples daydreams about having our wedding there. But alas, it's not to be. So, we were considering another spot before we found this place. It's called, Auchendarroch. * *
The name Auchendarroch is Scottish-Gaelic for "holy place of the oaks"

Don't get me wrong the place is beautiful. We just had our hearts set on Lavande. It was more personable, a lot less expensive, just more us. Mik will take photos when he goes up there this weekend. Until then, this is what I have to give the peeps where we are talking about.

Such is life, I am sure things will work themselves out. It doesn't really matter where we have it as long as we are together with each other as well as our friends and family.

Jeanne

So, today is the anniversary of my grandmas passing. I've really been trying to bury myself in the sand. I want to avoid feelings for today. I am sure at another time when I have my support (Mik) it will all come out of the flood gates. I've just kind of been trying to keep all my cries inside for a bit, because when I cry, I really want someone to be there. To hold me. To tell me every things going to be alright and this pain and guilt I feel will ease at some point. A friend of mine offered to take me to where my grandmother is buried. At first I was right on board with the idea. But after awhile of thinking of it, I am just not ready. Although it was sweet sentiments, I just can't imagine myself breaking down and being how I need to be in front of her. It's not the right time. Although I know it will be a couple of years before Mik and I can come back to the states for a visit and it's probably an avoidance of the event, I need someone who is going to be strong with me. Mik has been there since the beginning. He knows of all the hurt I've felt and the inner workings of why I feel the way I do.

The reason I am here today has something to do with her death. Also a lot to do with Mik as well. But her death really pushed me over the edge. I decided that I had created enough BS in my life that it was time to grow up and be responsible. Meaning, get a job, get clean, and work toward goals. Mik was key in that as well by always telling me how he thought I could do it. How he was so proud of me for getting through all the other trials in my life. How he knew I was a strong woman despite how I felt about myself. I knew if my grandmother knew what kind of situation I was living in she would have told me the same, to encourage me to become independent and take on life clean and sober.

That's when I moved here to Rochester, it will be one year clean in November. I work, and I am an independent woman. I love life a lot more today than I did this time last year. I didn't want to live, or make any hard choices. But I've come out of that. My grandmother helped me so much in seeing that. It's just sad that it took her passing away for me to see it. I really would have loved for her to meet Mik. She would have loved him, especially with his Australian accent I am sure of it.

Yayyy, today I send out all my paperwork! Soon and very soon, we will be submitting our application for my Visa. It only took seven months of despair and preparation to gather everything that needed to be gathered. Everyone thought I'd be over there within a couple of months. Mik and I knew that it wasn't going to be that easy. We have endured some major crap in our quest to spend the rest of our lives together. So I am pretty sure we can handle just about anything the Lord has to throw at us.

Bankers hours my arse.

I always thought bankers hours were 9-5. Apparently not my bank. They are open from 9am until 4pm Monday through Wednesday. Which I think is the biggest load of BS I ever heard. Especially when I get out of work at 4pm. How are people like me supposed to get their banking done at the beginning of the week?

In my opinion they should be open until the very latest 5 pm.

This rant comes along because I had to get a bunch of papers copied and certified by the notary there. First I had to wait until the end of the week to do it. Then in my own stupidity I copied a set of the wrong papers...Now I need to go back. So I have to either get up super early to get there after 9 am but before I have to work at 10am or wait until Thursday. Which is a major inconvenience for me because these are important papers that need to go out ASAP.

I think I will just leave early in the morning to do it. Shouldn't take too long. I feel like a dummy for copying the wrong papers so I must bear the consequences I suppose. But believe you me I will be moaning and groaning. Especially on a Monday!

END OF RANT!

Mik I know you'll like this one. I have no rectum. Toldja. :-D

You are a 0%Fart Master!

Either you lie or you have no rectum. We know your type secret farters who live a life of cramping and repression.

How gassy are you?

Check your brain at the entrance of the mall.

I swear people cannot read. There are huge signs up everywhere stating, "ALL SUNGLASSES 6.99 OR 2 FOR 10." The most common question I get is "duuuuhhh, how much are your sunglasses?" It really annoys the crap out of me. I usually get so frustrated that I just point to the one of four blazing signs that give them the obvious answer.

The other peeve I have is, when I have no change. I write a bold sign saying, "I cannot accept payment of merchandise with a twenty dollar bill." Then the illiteracy comes out again, because you better believe that's what they hand me every time. So, usually when I do, and it never works, is put a sign up on each side of my kiosk. Just so when they get all huffy about my asking them for small bills I can point to the sign innocently.

I am in the wrong profession people drive me nuts and for the most part don't have much common sense. To think I have two retail jobs.

Say Arghhhhhhhhhhhh

I don't think I need to add much of a commentary to this.

Well hot damn...

HOT DAMN!

I put a little bit o' color in the dreary blog. Feels like a bit of life has been breathed into it. Fantastic I say. So, I've tried to stay away from the ultra depressing black clothing phase and I thought maybe it could tie into my blog, as a well. Enjoy.

I be a social nerd. Not to be confused with hippy.

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Social Nerd   You're interested in things such as politics, psychology, child care, and peace. I wouldn't go so far as to call you a hippie, but some of you may be tree-huggers. You're the type of people who are interested in bettering the world. You're possible the least nerdy of them all; unless you participate in other activies that paled your nerdiness compared to your involvement in social activities. Whatever the case, we could still use more of you around. ^_^
Literature Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Science/Math Nerd
Drama Nerd
Anime Nerd
Musician
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

The fly won't die

I was working and I went around to make sure all my stock was there and straightened. I came upon a fly. Pretty much anyone who knows me can tell you I think bugs are disgusting. Well there was this fly sitting on one of the boxes with merchandise on it. And there it was a fly laying there with it's belly exposed. I said a quite "EEK" and decided instead of grabbing a paper towel I was just going to blow it off the box. No sooner did I do that and the fly flies away.

I thought, "maybe it's playing dead". So I saw the damn thing fly away and that was the end of it. Nope, I went to sit down on my handy dandy chair and there it was lying on its back AGAIN! BLECK! So I blew it away again. It did the same thing. I think it's in its last throws of life.

Wait....It didn't move for awhile. But now it's spinning itself in circles. So gross. I hate bugs. I am sure they aren't too fond of me either.

I seriously don't know what the hell I am going to do when I get to Australia. There are tons of creepy crawly things that I am not going to be too happy to encounter. But on the upside, it gives me a good excuse to call Mik home. I can see it now, "Honey, you have to come it's an emergency situation."

I lost thirty pounds and I'm still addicted.

I swear all I think about all day is food and eating mingled with thoughts of Mik and our future together. I am always friggen hungry. I lost a bunch of weight and I have gained a few pounds back and I feel like a slob. I am addicted to food and it's not like this is an addiction that you can quit either. YOU HAVE TO EAT.

I suppose the patterns in my life show that this would be a logical step. I've been addicted to alcohol, addicted to bad men, and addicted to drugs. This is the first time that I've given up all three of those. Now instead of the three evils I just mentioned, it's eating!

My mental state felt good when I was losing weight. I mean, I don't want to be super model skinny anyway. I'm too short for that to begin with. I just want to be to a nice healthy weight. For the past couple of years my classification has been leaning towards the obese. I just don't know how to stop after I start up.

It's a horrible cycle. I feel bad when I eat but I eat when I feel bad. I seriously don't want to be one of those people who can't keep up with their children, can't walk through the mall with out the aid of a battery powered wheel chair, or at some point just loses the will to do anything active.

Mik helps me a lot. He is always encouraging me and telling me how beautiful I look to him. Let me tell you it does help. But I do have years of self esteem issues that can hinder progress quite easily. I guess all I can do is to keep trying, Use Mik as part of my support system and be realistic about weight loss.

Yes, yet another post.

I read a post today from a blogger that I read quite frequently. Ktismatics had a post about an old friend of his that he had been looking for that had passed away.

It made me think of when I found out my mother passed away. At first it made me sad but then it quickly turned into a "what now?" sort of reaction. I hadn't seen or spoken to her in years, people change as a result of circumstances and the path they chose in life. I barely knew her really. Even when I was a kid you really don't know your parents, not the inner most parts anyway. You just know how they'll react if you lock your brother in his room from the inside so he can't get out or if you get into trouble at school.

It does still feel unreal. Like she's still alive just not around. I feel guilty sometimes that I don't feel any deeper about it. I suppose I could be sad that she may have died alone. But whose to say, she might have had people she loved around her. But, she wasn't ever around and the highest amount of emotion that, that brings would be anger. I had my grandmother for a long time and I thank God for that. I suppose that was something that really softened the blow a lot of time. I could always count on my grandmother to help me through the hurt I was feeling because of my abandonment issues.

But now she's gone too. With her death it felt a lot more real. The pain is still there, and it won't go away any time soon. I miss her and think of her a lot more often then my mum. I don't know if that's wrong or if it makes me cold towards my mother, the woman who gave birth to me, but it's how I feel.

Just so you (whoever you may be)know,you are allowed to make any comments you like. Praises or criticisms either way it's all welcome. I am sick of having zero comments day to day. If you think there is nothing worth commenting on, make a comment and let me know! I am always willing to take suggestions and I enjoy reading peoples feedback. I'm sure my other half would enjoy the same. Thanks!

"Superbad" Not for women or children.

So, one of my roommates and I went to the movies last Saturday and we decided that we weren't going to watch anything that would make us cry. We decided on "Superbad". Which I suppose is a comedy/coming of age film. To anyone going on a first date to see this movie, I don't recommend it. It's probably too crude for a first date. There are porno clips and so many references to women in an unflattering manor that it would probably make you or your date uncomfortable. At least that's how I felt sitting there with my middle aged roommate (which my roommate is even female).

The movie was humorous in a crude "Reno 911" or "Super Troopers" sort of way. But was not at all original in it's plot. I suppose if you're looking for a cheap laugh this is the way to go. All in all it was worth the six bucks we spent to see it.

Let There Be No Doubt...

Yes angel, you truly are beautiful, in every way.

This recent spate of posts to do with religion has been brought on with the fact that I finally figured out that I'm an agnostic. Now, for years I thought I was an atheist, but having only just read the meanings of the two, I think I slot into the agnostic camp...complete with sing-a-longs, crude jokes and toasting marshmallows by the fire....and brimstone. Oops:P

I cannot prove, nor disprove Gods or any other gods existence. Maybe someone should come up with a test..."Here, pee into this cup and we'll all soon find out..."

Now I for one, as Erica understands, am not about to become a believer, just for the sake of believing. I think that's incredibly cynical, and at this stage of my life, hypocritical. One should not make an each-way bet on these kinds of matters, but I've seen it for myself. I've heard people say "I'm not a gambler, not when it comes to my soul". Ok, so you only believe just in case God really does exist? That to me sounds wrong. It's like admitting you're only friends with someone just to see what you can get out of them down the track. Maybe I took a comment in the wrong context, I don't know. I'll be honest, when it comes to these kinds of topics, I'm fairly new, having never been a deep thinker, and more inclined to wade in the kiddie pool.

But, who am I to judge? For all I know I could be struck down by lightning for this post because God reads this blog...or life could just go on as if nothing ever happened.

So...who wants to bet that I get hit by lightning?:P

About that earlier post. I really want to make it clear that I am no saint. I don't consider myself a Godly woman. Especially considering my past. I don't want anyone to think (especially Mik) that I feel like I'm better than him /anyone that reads this mess of a blog. Because Lord knows I'm not. I just worry, about the soul of him and the souls of humanity. Who likes to think that someone who touches their heart might possibly spend all of eternity in the pits of Hell. Sure as heck not me. Anyway, I just wanted to clarify, that I don't think I'm a saint. Not by any means. Besides who the heck am I to judge anyway....right? Like I said, maybe the Lord brought us together as his plan.

The Spyder VS2

The 07' Cyborg

For that last post I made. I want to make it clear. Our relationship isn't ever tense because of our differing beliefs, we accept one another for who we are. I would never try and force my beliefs on anyone if they didn't want to hear them. But in the same respect I am selfish and I want Mik to be with me forever, not just in the physical life, but the spiritual one too. I mostly worry about that sort of thing. I love him and I love his soul. I know he is a good man through and through, he just needs time and love. God sent him to me for a reason. Maybe for me to plant that seed in his heart as well as him rescuing me from a life of terrible agony. It's all for a purpose.

I will love you no matter what.

He Isn't a Christian
By Gary and Carrie Oliver

Q. My husband and I weren't Christians when we married. But I'm a Christian now, and he isn't. He doesn't like that I believe in God. We seem to butt heads all the time and our marriage is tense. I'd love for my husband to accept Jesus. What should I do?

A. Many have walked this path before you and many have seen their spouse, over time, give their life to Jesus. When someone becomes a Christian, their enthusiasm can cause them to say and do things, with the best of intentions, that can alienate and offend those they love most. Rather than seeing Christ in their spouse, the unbelieving partners see someone who, before Christ, loved them the way they were but now will only really love them, as they see it, if they convert.

While being married to an unbelieving spouse can be a long and discouraging road, it doesn't have to be a lonely one. Get into a women's Bible study so you can be encouraged by other godly women, solicit their prayers on your behalf, and find a woman who can mentor you in this part of your journey. She can help you be more objective in finding ways to reflect and model Christ to your husband.

God has given you a unique opportunity to live as Christ to your husband. But also God has given you a profound laboratory to learn how to love your husband with the unconditional love that characterizes God's love for you. Scripture even gives you great hope in this area: "Wives … accept the authority of your husbands, even those who refuse to accept the Good News. Your godly lives will speak to them better than any words. They will be won over by watching your pure, godly behavior" (1 Peter 3:1-2, NLT).

I love you Mik.

Take your "Babies somewhere else" ya douchebag

K, so the greasy scumbag who owns the kiosk next to me called me "baby". This doesn't make me warm and fuzzy at all. He says to me as he walks by, "Have a good one baby", gives me the heeby jeebies just thinking about it.

Apparently i'm not the only one he does this too, an under aged girl who works there also was the apparent victim of a "baby" attack. YUCK.

Tales of retail madness

When I was at work the other day, maybe it was last weekend. We had a mother bring her obese daughter in to get her clothing for school. She also had a son, maybe 3 or so. At first they just seemed like normal shoppers. I kind of felt bad for the little girl at first because well, she looked as if she might have been 12 years old and shopping in a plus sized womens store. That had to be embarrassing. I know if I were that heavy at that age I don't think my self esteem would have all been that high.

So, over the span of an hour or so I watched the little boy run around and act like a little terror, not listening to his mother and just acting out. I am sure it is normal behavior for a coddled 3 year old. At some point it really started to annoy me so I kept giving him the evil stare of death. The same stare that our children will receive when we have them Mik. Anyway, this girl is trying on clothes and her mother is softly speaking with her as another of my fellow associates is attending to them. I couldn't make out what they were saying back and forth but I could tell the girl was being a brat and it seemed as if she were getting more and more annoyed with her mom.

After she was finished trying clothing on the mother took her unfolded piles of clothes up the register and told the young girl to keep an eye on her little brother. Well, that's when all hell broke loose. First the boy wouldn't listen to her, but she was acting so horrid to the little boy it was a wonder why he didn't. He was running around like a maniac and she was huffing and puffing away whining at him to get back in his stroller. Meanwhile the mother in a sing songy voice said "No gumball for you young man, hee hee."

I was standing there folding some shirts and the little boy runs past me and dives on the floor. The girl trudges up and says in the most disturbing voice i've heard from a little girl of 12 and says, "GET YOUR FUCKING ASS UP OFF THE FLOOR". I stood there with my mouth hanging open and was tempted to tell her we didn't use that kind of language in the store. But then I reconsidered, these were not my children and I would probably not see either one of them again (thank God).

For some reason this really disturbed me.

After they had left my fellow associate came up to me and said "Are you ready to hear the story about them?". I said sure and listened because I was curious. She told me they had come in really late last year at 9:20 which is practically closing time for us. But the mother was standing there crying at the gate. She had said that the little girl didn't like coming out to shop during the day so this was the only time she could get her out to go school shopping for her. So, my associate and the manager had felt sympathetic towards her. Naturally they let the family in to shop. Well as the story goes, the girl was more horrid last year, she was yelling and screaming at her mother and grandmother, screaming that it was their fault she was fat and they were going to pay for it for the rest of their lives. My associate friend said at one point she found the grandmother and mother on the floor of the dressing room crying.

In my mind I could totally see this demon of a child saying something of that sort. Obviously she isn't stable enough to realize that she is pretty well in control of her own destiny and blames it souly on the mother and grandmother. I mean, I don't know the whole situation and I really don't have any room to pass judgment. I can only go on what my experiences are in life. But to me that was quite disturbing. It makes me think of that book 1984 when the children were controlling their parents through the fear of being turned into the thought police.

All in all I hope the girl at some point gets a hold of herself and stops blaming everyone else around her and take some sort of account for her own life.

Also I think that was the same night my manager got hit on by a lesbian. That was also quite disturbing.

Canola fields and cows.

Who would have ever thought that fields of canola would look so beautiful. The cows are cute too I think. I suppose one should become too attached considering one of these cows could be my future hamburg patty or steak.

You know you're almost famous when....

Now I know I've hit the big time in blogs. The famous or infamous (depending on how you look at things) J. Erdman has made a post specifically mentioning myself!

HONEY I'M FAMOUS. I couldn't have done it with out you.

Dear anyone

To all or anyone who reads my blog on a continual basis i've decided to testosterone the place up a bit. Mik is now going to be making random posts hence the paintball balls photo. I'm sure he will help generate some comments from some peanut gallery that exists.