Yes, yet another post.

I read a post today from a blogger that I read quite frequently. Ktismatics had a post about an old friend of his that he had been looking for that had passed away.

It made me think of when I found out my mother passed away. At first it made me sad but then it quickly turned into a "what now?" sort of reaction. I hadn't seen or spoken to her in years, people change as a result of circumstances and the path they chose in life. I barely knew her really. Even when I was a kid you really don't know your parents, not the inner most parts anyway. You just know how they'll react if you lock your brother in his room from the inside so he can't get out or if you get into trouble at school.

It does still feel unreal. Like she's still alive just not around. I feel guilty sometimes that I don't feel any deeper about it. I suppose I could be sad that she may have died alone. But whose to say, she might have had people she loved around her. But, she wasn't ever around and the highest amount of emotion that, that brings would be anger. I had my grandmother for a long time and I thank God for that. I suppose that was something that really softened the blow a lot of time. I could always count on my grandmother to help me through the hurt I was feeling because of my abandonment issues.

But now she's gone too. With her death it felt a lot more real. The pain is still there, and it won't go away any time soon. I miss her and think of her a lot more often then my mum. I don't know if that's wrong or if it makes me cold towards my mother, the woman who gave birth to me, but it's how I feel.