Jeanne

So, today is the anniversary of my grandmas passing. I've really been trying to bury myself in the sand. I want to avoid feelings for today. I am sure at another time when I have my support (Mik) it will all come out of the flood gates. I've just kind of been trying to keep all my cries inside for a bit, because when I cry, I really want someone to be there. To hold me. To tell me every things going to be alright and this pain and guilt I feel will ease at some point. A friend of mine offered to take me to where my grandmother is buried. At first I was right on board with the idea. But after awhile of thinking of it, I am just not ready. Although it was sweet sentiments, I just can't imagine myself breaking down and being how I need to be in front of her. It's not the right time. Although I know it will be a couple of years before Mik and I can come back to the states for a visit and it's probably an avoidance of the event, I need someone who is going to be strong with me. Mik has been there since the beginning. He knows of all the hurt I've felt and the inner workings of why I feel the way I do.

The reason I am here today has something to do with her death. Also a lot to do with Mik as well. But her death really pushed me over the edge. I decided that I had created enough BS in my life that it was time to grow up and be responsible. Meaning, get a job, get clean, and work toward goals. Mik was key in that as well by always telling me how he thought I could do it. How he was so proud of me for getting through all the other trials in my life. How he knew I was a strong woman despite how I felt about myself. I knew if my grandmother knew what kind of situation I was living in she would have told me the same, to encourage me to become independent and take on life clean and sober.

That's when I moved here to Rochester, it will be one year clean in November. I work, and I am an independent woman. I love life a lot more today than I did this time last year. I didn't want to live, or make any hard choices. But I've come out of that. My grandmother helped me so much in seeing that. It's just sad that it took her passing away for me to see it. I really would have loved for her to meet Mik. She would have loved him, especially with his Australian accent I am sure of it.